Hi darkness.

I can't act like its not hurt , and i can't pretend like i don't care. If this is karma , i already paid for that wasn't it ? If this is not, that means i don't deserve happiness . Or, is it wrong to care ? Nope, its not wrong for being care. Yea, perhaps people like me don't deserve happiness , im evil, mean, cynical and judgmental. There is always punishment for bad people. As i said , im done playing nice. I don't see any difference for being a nice person . In fact im getting hurt too. 

My pride does not allow me to cry in front of other people , begging other people not to ditch me, or showing my weakness. Im strong and tough , i can get through everything. But, im only human. How long can i stand against the darkness? Being a coward should be a better way, like what i always did before. This is the first time im being honest with myself. For the first time in this few months i feel heartbroken. I should be happy , this is what that leads to who i am. Finally i can feel it. Hello Rina :)

Another list

Okay , its not only the top 5 friends are matter to me . Some good friends make it to another list too, which is good friend list . This is an important list too , which means i do care about you guys.
Here are the short confessions .

Wenzi- Hey my ex husband , we know each other for many years. Its a kind of fate. It was happy to sit beside you for the form 5 time , love ya. I miss the moment we were together.

Pikying- You are the kindest girl i have met. We have a lot of good time and useful inspiring conversation during year of form 4 . Keep the kindness always and forever, no matter what happens.

Xingyee- Hey you , you are a very sweet girl. Sometimes your might hurt people unintentionally with your words, but i know you didn't mean it. And you have a good heart. You treat friends well.

Jumin- I will not forget you although we didn't know each other for a long time. I have a special feeling for you. Its kind of impossible for me to trust someone for a short time , and you are one of it who made it. My heart tells that you can be trusted. All the best for you in Ireland , we will meet each other someday.

Xinyi-You are a happy go lucky person. Remember last time when i told you we were abit of worried, because we thought a happy person like you will not survive through a dilemma. But i don't think so now, im pretty sure you will get through it whatever thing happens. My card will stay with you. We talked on phone for a few hours last time haha. hwaiting !

SiangHwa- Hey my wife, you still owe me tomyam maggi. Lu macam no wish me when i birthday ?! hmph. By the way, I promise i will never divorce with you even if i meet a good man. Stop getting fat .
Eelin- The letter that you wrote is still with me . Miss the moment we chit-chatting in the class and on the way to tuition.

Shiyung-You said you wanna protect me haha. Remember that i always copy your add maths note. Hope you are doing okay now.

The V.I.P of my life

Brothers and best friends
SL- She was the one who accompanied me to get through my hardest time. She believed me no matter what others said , stand by my side and encourage me to live, focus on one point in my heart that keep me living. You said you will stay with me until i recover from pain, and you did. Just wanna let you know , me too .

CY- If SL was the one to stay with me during my hardest time , he was the one who brought me back to life from those bad consequences. He was the one who told me to keep my compassion and remember my kindness. Don't lose it because of them. So i listened . i still remember of the movie we watched , MU . that snail = =

WH- I have no idea how and when did i get close with him =.= sometimes he is an asshole, but whenever im in trouble, he will stand out and give me a hand (with mock). Now he is finally in a relationship! no more suffering in the past. im really happy for him . Stay sweet with her as she might be my sister haha.

PS- She is a kind girl. We know each other's family and stayed at both of our house. Although she couldn't give me some good advice or suggestion hahaha ( because i was the one who always give advice) , she always try her best to help me whenever im in a hard time, giving me support. And she understands me well too, just by one look she will know something's wrong with me.

QX- We knew each other since primary school. We weren't close until form 5 i guess ? We are both Pieces girl X) That's why our feelings are quite the same. You will definitely understand how i feel even if you've never been in the situation before. Remember last time when you asked me? ( Do you think we will still be that good friends after a few years ?) And my answer was , YES . And you said i were the only one who didn't hesitate even for a second to give that answer. I wanna tell you , my answer will never change no matter what happens.

To my brothers and best friends : Im really really thankful to meet you guys . I appreciate everything you did for me. These are my short confession to you guys ( because im lazy , you know it) . You have my heart <3 My heart means a lot more than words XD

These are the Top 5 people , i can't imagine life without them. If they weren't in my life, i will not be here. These people are those i call them brothers and best friends. I don't simply call people brother or one of my best friends. Every call has its own meaning for me. And these people are not just my friends, but family.
Some people might want to know , why are these people irreplaceable. The reasons are, these people know what kind of person im. And they accept who im, my good side or my dark side. They never ask me to be anyone else . And many reasons more. I may hurt people in my life , but I will not hurt these people no matter what :)

Check another list in the next post.

The end of the past

This is the first post of my new blog. Well , i read through my old blog's posts, a lot of memories got back in my head, and i realized i were not mature enough. I might have hurt people unintentionally with my words , actions or whatever. Many things happened a few years ago, and i think there was a little too much for me to handle, so i collapsed. It was a hard time for me , i mean extremely tough. and i got some points from those incidents .

Power is such a horrible thing. Even the innocent people fell for it. Because we all know how it feels - powerless .
Jealousy is scary. When we jealous, that's the time when demon starts to control us, and we starts doing wrong things , hurting people we loved.
So , this is society, this is reality. We just happened to know it earlier. In front of power and jealousy, friendship means nothing. Or just may be, that's not true friendship.

There are many things I've sacrifice for it, for those people i loved. and i just ended up torturing myself. living in grief. Finally i chose to let go, let those people i thought were important get out of my life. Not to care for them anymore , just to care about myself , my happiness . Im not saying that im a selfless , kind people.In fact i think im not. Just i really did all my best i could do for them. hmm...that time. Eventually , all the emotions exploded .

Im done playing nice. Why should i just live like this , keep on getting backstabs by the hypocritical , double-faced bitch, just to care those people's feeling , to keep the peace of the group. And another reason i were no fighting back was, i care about that bitch too.
i not in charged of the peace. These people should just get the hell out of my life. So , i leaved .

Actually , if you ask if im happy of this decision . I would tell you , im not . The pains were still there. But , it feels better.

It really took a long time for me to get through all these pain. and there are some people i would like to thank. (will mention it in the upcoming post)

I thought i will never forgive those people, but lastly i did forgive. Forgiving is not for them , its for myself. And , perhaps i hurt other's feeling at first , so these were my retribution. So , i paid back . i didn't owe you anymore. we have to move on , whatever is it , its not important anymore. There are always something that we can't fix it , can't change it. So , just let it be.
Anyway, i love those moments that made me smile no matter what is happening right now.

Okay , next post we gonna talk about emotions. This post seems to be too long haha.